World’s Largest Meatball Attempt volunteers address shaky accusations of a meaty cover-up
COLUMBUS, Ohio – On Tuesday, Aug. 23, 2011, many central Ohioans witnessed buildings swaying and felt the ground shaking. Naturally, Columbus residents wanted answers. Was it aftershock from an earthquake in Virginia? Was it a rumble from the downtown Hilton construction? Could it have been Terrelle Pryor throwing a celebratory bash after finding out NFL’s Oakland Raiders actually drafted him to be their new owner? Or was the Columbus Italian Club (CIC) testing a half-ton meatball in preparation for their World’s Largest Meatball attempt in October?
All day, members of our marketing, planning, and sponsorship committees have been fielding phone calls addressing the many rumors. Let us start by officially saying that we can neither confirm nor deny the following gossip:
1. Chef Rismo Gualtieri added vinegar and baking soda to the adjusted recipe he has been tinkering with to take home the Guinness World Record;
2. David Letterman was in Columbus to drop a half-ton test meatball from the James A. Rhodes State Office Tower as a durability assessment;
3. Columbus Crew forward Andres Mendoza attempted a penalty kick using one of the 200-pound “guinea pig” meatballs;
4. In an attempt to demonstrate proper gang tackling methods, Ohio State Buckeyes Coach Luke Fickell and new Linebackers Coach Mike Vrabel sandwiched the CIC meatball oven, at which point it spontaneously combusted from the immense force and pressure;
5. Meatball engineer Roger Sanzo attempted cooking with rocket fuel, olive oil, and Sambuca … all at once.
As a shocked city searches for answers, the men of the CIC are disappointed that the shadow of doubt has been cast upon their noble attempt at raising money for scholarships, attracting visitors to the Columbus Italian Festival, and attaining global meatball glory.
“We just wish we could go about our business in peace,” Meatball Marketing Coordinator Rick Willimott said. “We have nothing but our great community in mind.”
The CIC asks for privacy in these troubled times as they work to repair their reputation and break the German meatball record of 749.5 pounds. Those interested in learning more about their quest for infamy can visit www.cicmeatball.com.
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About the CIC
The Columbus Italian Club (CIC) is a fraternal organization whose mission is to promote and preserve Italian culture and heritage in the Italian-American community. CIC works closely with the Columbus Italian Club Education Assistance Corp., a not-for-profit 501(c)(3) charitable entity that assists students in furthering their educational endeavors.